Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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