i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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