they need to just BURY HIM!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
