if you like me you must not know who I am
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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