toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
