dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
