there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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