you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
