i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize