the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
