That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
