what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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