Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
