walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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