Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
