What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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