I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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