Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
