I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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