i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
