i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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