I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
