yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize