i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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