Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
