can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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