There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
