Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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