I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
