Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
