Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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