I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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