I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize