she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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