She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize