So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
