His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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