you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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