We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
