in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
