i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
