I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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