I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
