.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
