I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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