Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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