FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize