I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
