we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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