If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
