I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
