I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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