Got a toothbrush?
He kissed a someone with a penis
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
