hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
