I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
