We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize