nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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