I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
